Because of what I’ve been seeing other younger women go through with families, especially their mothers, I have been thinking about my dire relationship with my mother. Though she passed almost twenty years ago, there are things-situations that come back up. ‘Haunt me’ is too strong a term, as I have forgiven her and myself for the participation in the turbulent relationship. Very simply, she didn’t like me for many reasons, yes she loved me, sometimes it seemed almost begrudgingly. I was too independent and too out spoken, especially after my first divorce which she, of her age/cultural, took very personally as a slap in the face.

We, of my age and even some of the younger age, are raised to love and accept our mothers no matter how much they resent, or are actually jealous of us. Not to play Dr Phil, but . . . it is a well known psychological fact that abused children – psychologically or physically – keep trying to win the love of the parent/person who tormented and controlled them. The usual justifying of their actions is: ‘because I’m your mother,’ ‘all I did for you,’ or more evil blaming the child for being born, ‘I could have been/done (fill in the blank) if not for you.’ Besides the fact that these are truly insecure, lonely, messed up women is almost besides the point in blaming the child for their unhappy life. They never wanted to know, or accept, that happiness comes from inside them, and take pride in their child’s gifts or accomplishments – my mother said she was too busy to come out of the kitchen to watch me the first time I was on TV.

Fortunately, once I left for college, I was able to get more of a sense of worth from others – teachers, friends and mentors at jobs. Still, every chance she could, my mother would compare me to my older sister and brothers. As I matured, I began to see the truth and unfortunately the anger built into me, as I saw this facade she had built trying to discount any accomplishments I had. When it did explode out, it was quite physically damaging to both of us, and I knew then that I was not strong or positive enough to not let her hurt me. It was my first major adult decision – realization, that I was only going to get better if I removed myself from being around her. In many ways it was a huge self-preservation act, and I knew I also had to remove my son from her continued negative attention. For the first year away, it was so difficult and turbulent, I was afraid I had made a mistake. But then in my lossness, I began to grow into Metaphysics, Zen Buddhism and Spirituality. The term Empowerment was just coming into use, as I became active in many women’s organizations and brought more positive men into my life.

Yes, for a while I did feel guilty-duty bound to Mother, which I knew was what she wanted, and I did dutifully phone, but enjoyed more the talking to my father than her. Trips were made back to Chicago, but again more to see others than her. As I came more into my own, I think she began to see me as a loss cause – she still had my one brother and sister under her power. I can’t say we ever became close, and I’d still do occasional gestures to garner some appreciation, and then laugh at myself for doing so. The truth is, and this is hard, no matter who the negative person is in your life, you are not going to really grow and become the empowered person you were meant to be unless you remove yourself from them and their negative influences.